Creating Healthy Relationships Requires A Willingness To Tame Our Primitive Ego Through Growth in Self-Awareness – Insights from the Wilderness #94

Creating Healthy RelationshipsFrom the moment you are born until the day you die, the value and meaning of your life will be defined by the relationships you create and the level of consciousness you use to create them.

Unless you are surrounded by emotionally stable and spiritually healthy relationships, happiness and success will be all but impossible to achieve.

The skills needed to create healthy relationships in your life will require awakening to the fact that your primitive ego has a major influence on the choices you make in your adult life, and then taming the reactivity of your primitive ego consciousness through intentional growth in self-awareness.

Awakening to the presence of these two realities are insights that will mark the beginning of a foundational transformation in how you “see” the world.

And to change the way you “see” the world means you will need to change the way you think.

Awakening to the presence of your unconscious primitive ego and changing the way you think will put you on a path of spiritual growth that will transform and enlighten your consciousness.

Our Primitive Ego Is Young and Immature; Not Bad

When I write about the evolution of our primitive ego consciousness and its important impact on the quality of our relationships with others, I am aware of how easily the initial awareness of our primitive ego can turn into self-shaming.

I continually remind readers that the unconscious primitive ego of our inner-child is not inherently bad or evil, it’s just a part of our psyche that is not yet matured. It is the part of our over-all ego that contains our childhood beliefs, experiences, emotions, and memories of childhood and the defensive survival skills we created to help us manage childhood.

It is the psyche or ego of a six to seven year old child.

Being young and inexperienced is simply being young and inexperienced; not a shame issue. But until we awaken to its presence, our unconscious primitive ego will be in control of our adult life and all of our relationships.

And that is not a good thing.

Allowing our primitive ego to unconsciously manage our adult life, using the insights and consciousness of a six to eight year old child, is rarely going to be helpful. No child that young has the mental capacity, maturity, or life experience needed to successfully cope with the responsibilities and challenges of an adult world; especially a 21st century world struggling to birth a new global civilization.

The unawakened primitive ego of our inner-child creates pain and suffering for ourselves, and those around us, because it unconsciously interferes with our ability as an adult to sustain the positive energy of true compassion—–the energy we need to create healthy relationships.

For example, our primitive ego is self-focused and loves to assume that we are a) right, b) that our beliefs reflect “the truth”, and c) that only “our” needs and wants are important. As a result, our primitive ego is significantly limited in its ability to manifest mutuality or empathy; two important characteristics that affirm the basic reality that everyone wants essentially the same things in life—-happiness, the need to be loved, the need to feel important, the need to feel heard, and the need to avoid criticism and conflict.

Thus, until we increase the level of our adult consciousness and develop the ability to offer a sustained empathy and mutuality to those around us, the narcissism of our primitive ego will continue to unconsciously create pain and conflict in our relationships with others.

Think about how you feel in the presence of a person whose primitive ego is always right, a person who always knows what you should do or feel, a person who does not need to listen to your point of view because they already “know” that you’re wrong.

Anger? Irritation?

Most likely!

Because most people have not awakened to the presence of their unconscious primitive ego, there are very few people with the ability or self-awareness to remain compassionate and non-reactive in this situation. The primitive ego of all but a very small handful of people would quickly become defensive, angry, and aggressive.

I know this is hard to hear, but until “you” awaken, this is exactly the kind of negative energy that “your” unconscious primitive ego is capable of generating in others.

A relationship between two people working with an unawakened primitive ego consciousness will very quickly sink into a muddy swamp of never-ending emotional conflict.

And when the collective unconscious primitive ego’s of two countries conflict over ideological issues of culture or religion, the potential for violence can escalate very quickly; a scenario that is currently threatening the very future of our planet.

I believe that awakening to the presence of our primitive ego is the most important work that we can undertake as an individual or as a species if our goal is peace and the creation of healthy relationships with others.

Solution: How To Awaken Your Consciousness and Begin The Journey Into A Deeper Self-Awareness

Taming our primitive ego begins by simply paying attention to the negative energy we knee-jerk into the world. This reactive negative energy is easy to see because it tends to create emotional conflict with those around us. When we become aware of what we are doing, use the awareness to make a conscious choice in that moment to embrace a more not-knowing “emptiness” of ego; the choice to quietly drop our primitive ego’s knee-jerk need to be right.

This is the first step on a path into self-awareness that will allow us to individually and collectively begin changing the way we think. As we learn to pay attention to the energy we are sending into the world it will begin to change the way we think and our ability to more consciously offer empathy and mutuality to others will begin to grow.

Our consciousness will begin to spiritually evolve and mature.

When enough of us have matured our consciousness through intentional growth in our self-awareness, emptied ourselves of our primitive ego’s many beliefs and “certainties”, and learned to listen deeply to what the other person is saying—without either side having to insist that they are “right”—-humanity will have taken a major step toward peace.

Non-reactive listening does not mean you agree with the other person. It means you are simply listening to them without your primitive ego reactively judging them. You are beginning to listen in a way that allows you to search for the truths in the other person’s position.

This is called developing a more spiritually mature middlepath consciousness.

I believe humanity is already on the leading edge of this important transformation of consciousness. Our tolerance for rigid religious and political ideological thinking is decreasing. We are beginning to understand that our primitive ego’s unconscious need to use judgmental dualistic right and wrong thinking only leads to conflict and violence.

If our goal is the creation of more compassionate relationships, then learning to pay attention to our emotions, our behaviors, and the way we think all need to become part of a life long commitment toward growth in self-awareness.

The ability to manifest compassion is “our” responsibility, not someone else’s responsibility.

We always choose the kind of energy we are going to manifest in the world. But our choice needs to become more conscious. We can choose to manifest the emotional and reactive energy of our unconscious primitive ego, or we can choose to manifest the compassion and loving-kindness of a deeper awareness; a more matured consciousness.

When we try to change ourselves by force of will, it’s the people who live with us that suffer. Authentic change always comes effortlessly and is best achieved by repetition; the repetition that comes from an intentional spiritual practice.

As we grow in self-awareness we “see” that compassion is not a feeling, it is an intentionally chosen behavior; a spiritual commitment to intentionally mature our level of consciousness.

As a philosopher once said “When the consciousness of even one person increases, the consciousness of the universe increases”.

I believe this is also true of compassion since increased consciousness and increased compassion happen together.

Summary: Healthy Relationships Are Created By A Self-Aware Consciousness

The goal of an authentic spiritual practice is always an intentional increase in self-knowledge and a conscious intention to offer compassion and loving-kindness to those around us. It is this conscious intention that will begin to tame the emotional reactivity of our primitive ego.

Authentic change takes time and practice, but it comes without effort when we understand that our primitive ego is not bad, it is simply the unconscious and immature ego of our inner-child.

We grow spiritually when we recognize and acknowledge that the divine evolutionary impulse; the spirit of the Initiating Consciousness immanent in all of creation, is embedded in the soul of our DNA.

As we tame and quiet the emotional noise of our primitive ego, we will begin to hear the still small voice of our soul—–the essential self at the center of our being that reflects the spiritual reality of who we really are—–that has been gently calling all of us toward relationships of unconditional love and compassion.

Comment below and tell me what you think.

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