Love is a Behavior not a Feeling

Why is happiness difficult to achieve?  It is because most of us assume that love is a feeling!

It’s not. Love is a behavior.

Let’s take a look at why this is true.

As a therapist in private practice for 25 years, it was common for clients to want me to help them heal the hurts and disappointments that had built up from years of unkind, unloving behaviors in their relationships.

They had forgotten the most basic law of the universe … the reality that every choice we make in life, and every behavior we send into the world, will always have a consequence.

They had lost touch with the reality that if they wanted to create happy relationships with others then it was their responsibility to learn to behave lovingly…especially in those situations where they were not feeling very loving!

They had forgotten the simple truth that we create happiness and love in our lives and our relationships with others one choice and one behavior at a time.

The consequence those choices and behaviors, can either be kind, compassionate, and loving or they can be self-focused and hurtful.

Fortunately, the responsibility for the choices and behaviors we manifest, whether consciously or unconsciously, is always ours.

In other words, those unhappy clients had unknowingly allowed the unconscious narcissistic, self-focused primitive egos of their inner-children to take control of their day to day lives….and their relationship with one another.

So how do we avoid this problem? Fortunately, the path to happiness is simple.

If we want to create happiness in our relationships with others, we must first learn to become more self-aware…to more intentionally pay attention to the unconscious behaviors that come from our self-focused primitive ego.

As we learn to pay attention to the behaviors we are sending into the world, we will become less and less comfortable with our many behaviors that create conflict and hurt.

Over time, those behaviors will begin to diminish……almost effortlessly.

They simply will no longer make sense to us. We will begin to understand at a deeper and deeper level of consciousness that they are clearly not helpful if we want to be happy.

And secondly, we must never confuse the difference between feelings and behaviors.

It is important to acknowledge that our primitive ego will almost always act out whatever it is feeling. This knee-jerk reaction is the primary reason that we create conflict and hurt in our relationships with others.

Just because we feel unloving does not mean we have to behave in an unloving way with those around us.

Just because we have a feeling does not mean we have to act on that feeling.

We can learn to simply pay attention to the feeling and then we can simply make a conscious choice as to how we want to behave.

Loving behaviors create happy relationships, and loving behaviors in our relationships with others is always a choice that is separate from our feelings.

To state it simply, loving behaviors and the creation of happiness in our relationships with others is always our responsibility and is always a choice we can make.

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6 Responses to Love is a Behavior not a Feeling

  1. Dick Rauscher May 23, 2013 at 10:59 am #

    Yes, how you behave is true love not how you feel.

  2. 0Wolfboy September 21, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    In other words love is shown with actions. People are conditioned to believe that lust is the feeling of love.

  3. verna altomia August 11, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    @fmhlrqf Getting them back isn’t that hard. You have to play the situation right. Learn by watching this video ->

  4. nachahiyah September 5, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    Awesome message to us human beings!

  5. nachahiyah September 5, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    Excellent Video!

  6. Henri Coleman February 22, 2011 at 10:14 am #

    Great way to help people understand their responsibility in relationships! Your explanation of the primitive mind is something that I have not been aware of (perhpas the simple way you break it down)…it helps me understand my own behavior and it enables me to understand where others are coming from. Very valuable…thanks for sharing this!

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