The skills to become a professional politician are relatively simple. They can be mastered by anyone who would like to become wealthy, have paid medical coverage for the rest of their life, and retire with a life time pension that will keep them in the life-style that they will become accustomed to during their career as a professional politician.
Skill #1: Learn to talk in six to eight word sound bites. Nobody wants to hear the whole story, so just tell them what you want them to know. In other words, keep it really, really simple.
Skill #2: Learn to entertain and court only wealthy donors. The more you can help them increase their wealth, the more they will increase your wealth, and actively support your time in office as a politician. If you decide to leave office at any time in the future, they will help you become a highly paid lobbyist. That way, whether or not you remain a professional politician, a financially comfortable future is guaranteed for life.
Skill #3: Learn to distance the 1%, and all of the corporate interests that support you, from responsibility for the problems they create. It’s best to shift the responsibility for the problems created by the greed of the 1% onto the little people. Repetitiously point out how they need to live on less social security income, work harder, develop better job skills, and stop expecting handouts that are bankrupting our nation. Remind them the importance of systematically removing government support and how it makes our nation stronger. The more our government can take away from them, and give to the 1%, the stronger our nation will become as the money trickles back down. Always keep skill #1 in mind when crafting this message.
Skill #4: Learn to write legislation that no one needs or wants. When the little people rise up to fight that legislation, it will keep them distracted from looking at the 1%, Wall Street, the mega-banks, and the multi-national corporations that are creating the problems of global climate change, pollution, global warming, resource depletion, and middle-class economic stagnation. Refer back to skill #3.
Skill #5: Avoid transparency at all costs. Prosecute whistle blowers. And accrue all the power you can so-as-to ensure your own personal career as a professional politician. Resist the pull of compassion, ethics, and morality. They will only shorten your time in office as a professional politician. Weakness and honesty are to be avoided at all times. Quickly distance yourself from any politician that manifests compassion, ethics, morality……..or excessive wisdom.
Skill #6: Never talk about the problems that we are creating the future for the future of our nation and our world. Keep your focus on the present. The more you can sensationalize the “trivial” in the present moment, the more you will insure a long and prosperous political career for yourself. The problems that are coming are too scary, too big, and only make people uncomfortable. So when they come up, learn to deftly change the subject and shift the focus back onto skill #3 and the little people. If you can come up with a trivial issue or problem you can emotionally sensationalize, that’s even better.
Skill #7: Learn to talk in the black and white terms of absolute truth. Nobody likes paradox or uncertainty. The more ideologically inflexible you can be, the more serious and professional you will appear. Always combine this skill with skill #1.
I hope these skills will give you the tools to became a successful and wealthy professional politician. The best way to learn of course is to carefully observe other professional politician’s. An excellent source of training is the evening news. Study the techniques used by the professional politicians as they spin the news to their advantage. Watch how smoothly and effortlessly they use all of the skills listed above.
The life of a professional politician is a goal worth attaining and doing whatever is necessary to remain in office as long as possible. Decades if possible. If the crafters of the Constitution wanted short term “citizen” politicians, they would have said so very clearly. Right? So go for the long haul. The longer you can remain in office, the more power and wealth you will accrue. Always keep some of your wealth off-shore to avoid paying taxes on your earnings.
Have a great career. Don’t worry about those living in poverty, and the little people, they can take care of themselves. It’s a survival of the fittest world. Right?