After reading your Stonyhill Nugget, “Surviving Divorce: A Journey Into The Wilderness,” I found myself reflecting on a past experiences. One paragraph in particular caught my attention; “Because we tend to embrace growth and personal transformation best when the pain of where we are is worse than the fear of where we have to go, the wilderness can be a powerful crucible of change and personal transformation.” As I normally do when pondering messages from my life teachers…I translate those thoughts into words. I would like to share a transcript of that conversation I had with my Self.
Yogi Berra once said, “It’s déjà vu all over again.” One of the hardest things I have ever done was to end a relationship that needed ending…doing this more than once in my life. In my mind I had many reasons to remain in the relationship long after I realized it was time to move on. I feared being alone and the forthcoming pain of letting go or the changes that would happen in my life. Perhaps it was my sense of obligation and the guilt of abandonment or those feelings of emotional indebtedness I would have to this person. Most likely it was all of the above reasons at one time or another, as I needed reasons to convince me to prolong this turbulent path. But it turned out to be only about my own fear.
But as I prolonged these trials I finally reached my emotional tolerance level, enough was finally enough! These traumatic moments were impacting my life and unfortunately the life of another. I was demonstrating no integrity to my feelings and worse yet, offering less to another individual. But I had a choice. Continue this path and waste my life. Or change and learn from the footsteps of the present, letting wisdom be the compass of my path tomorrow.
Once that moment of realization happened, how “miraculously” I found the perseverance to strengthen and nourished my own self esteem. Simultaneously, I acquired the courage to share my feelings with my then partner, seek a new path and confront all my fears.
Thus I became less willing to perpetuate an unhealthy and damaging relationship, let alone seek one. I deserved better and learned to honestly evaluate my ties with others, putting aside rationalizations and looking at my current reality. I became truthful enough with myself and others to ask… can there be any benefits of staying in any relationship that outweigh the consequences of not being…loving, happy and truthful? When I felt hooked into a situation because someone “needed” me, I considered my own needs first and asked myself… what is the best for Michael? For what will be the best for me, will be the best for those that I choose to surround myself with. I had spent a lifetime of learning to live, but I just needed more time learning to love…learning to love myself.
Now after many years of practice…the comfort of solitude, inner peace and the nourishment of my soul have embraced my life. Years ago I stopped “seeking” that fantasy relationship and devoted myself toward building the bonds with my family, close friends and all the new acquaintances I met during my journey. Allowing the universe to provide and stopping the search, was like removing a blindfold or chains holding back one’s destiny and possibility.
The ending of one chapter created a fresh and happy beginning to a new one, which is still being written…and you know how perfect that has turned out to be!